invsblecats (invsblecats) wrote,

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In the evening

I believe it was yesterday that this guy that I know, via the internet, asked my why is that I dont have a boyfriend. He said I sounded like a cool guy, and that who I was as a person was amazing. I also sent him a picture of me and said that I was cute and everyting. He's 19 and lives in Georgia, and a nice looking guy too. Now I have trie dthe internet thing, and made a big mistake. But his quetion has played over and over in my head. Why is it that I dont have a boyfriend. There are the obvious reasons that I am not out of the closet and therefore guys dont know to come at me. But at the same time, I mean I could go looking for one. Or is it that I just not ment to ever find someone. And I know that that is not true, becuase I telleveryone that there is some one out there for everyone and I believe this to be true. We are not ment to be single, gay straight bi, no one is ment to spen there life alone. So, inclunclusion we must there fore wait our turn to find that special person. My only hope is that I may find someone, even if its not for forever, to at least be with. And I wish this for all my friends, we all deserve someone, everyone does.

Another thing bugging me is my own self consciencenessI set to high of standards and thats part of my reasoning for not finding some one, and becuase I am to self demanding. And when I dont live up to my own views of perfection, I then tell myself that no one will want me. And therefore dont allow myself to fall for anyone becuase they dont like me, how could they. And so I become depressed and morbid becuase no one likes me when really its becuase I dont let anyone close enough to tell if they like me, and when they do I shy away or I get them to unlike me, its a vicious cycle and I want it to end now. But it wont, at least not for now.
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