Sunday, May 1, 2005
10:11PM - what ever
This past weekend has brought into reality, laready that which was known. Firstly, I have no desire to have a hedro relationship. Second, that I am pathetic and stupid.
About that the last comment...let me explain. I allow things to get to personal. Anything that happens in my life I allow to escalade and then blow them way out of proportion, and then finally end up hating myself becuase I allowed things to get so out of hand. Why I do these things is beyond me. Personally life would be easier if there was an instruction maual that told me how life is suppose to work. Or give help on how to solve problems that we encounter. Perhaps there is no manual to life is becuase if there was we wouldnt be ourselves rather what we are told to do. I what a tangled web we weave!
Here is the itnro to a story of mine!
There are some things better left to chance. Left to live lives of untold stories, left to unknown heroes, remembered by the little man but forgotten by the world. Some of us will change the world others will impact the same. Every step you take will leave two upon someone else. Everything you take, you take away from someone else. The time we have here is but a blink in time, void of all meaning.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
11:36PM - In the evening
I believe it was yesterday that this guy that I know, via the internet, asked my why is that I dont have a boyfriend. He said I sounded like a cool guy, and that who I was as a person was amazing. I also sent him a picture of me and said that I was cute and everyting. He's 19 and lives in Georgia, and a nice looking guy too. Now I have trie dthe internet thing, and made a big mistake. But his quetion has played over and over in my head. Why is it that I dont have a boyfriend. There are the obvious reasons that I am not out of the closet and therefore guys dont know to come at me. But at the same time, I mean I could go looking for one. Or is it that I just not ment to ever find someone. And I know that that is not true, becuase I telleveryone that there is some one out there for everyone and I believe this to be true. We are not ment to be single, gay straight bi, no one is ment to spen there life alone. So, inclunclusion we must there fore wait our turn to find that special person. My only hope is that I may find someone, even if its not for forever, to at least be with. And I wish this for all my friends, we all deserve someone, everyone does.
Another thing bugging me is my own self consciencenessI set to high of standards and thats part of my reasoning for not finding some one, and becuase I am to self demanding. And when I dont live up to my own views of perfection, I then tell myself that no one will want me. And therefore dont allow myself to fall for anyone becuase they dont like me, how could they. And so I become depressed and morbid becuase no one likes me when really its becuase I dont let anyone close enough to tell if they like me, and when they do I shy away or I get them to unlike me, its a vicious cycle and I want it to end now. But it wont, at least not for now.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Sunday Morning at about 12:30,
At Diane's house, my best friend in the whole world. Enough sappy!
Yay for lying to people on the interent! Diane is telling some guys she is a 72 year old whore! Thats the SH&*!
i start school on monday and would rather not, Summer wen by way to fast and yeah
The one good thing about school is that i am in the marching band, and it is an awesome program!!! I am section leader of the low brass( for the non band people that includes Tubas, trombones, and baritones!) with three sections things get pretty chaiotic!! is that spelt right? Who knows! Anyway i am also field assisatant! Basically a drum major in training! YAY! So yeah anyway!
Ok so lets be honest with myself here! I am a gay male, just ended a relationship with this guy, who like a dummie I met on the internet! I mean how stupid was that? Maybe not as stupid as i think it is at the moment but thats a whole nother story!
I have been open with myself for about a year now. And admitted to a friend just a month ago! It feels better knowing that a friend knows! Diane is awesome!!!